Survival tactics: Parents can help their child establish relationships with peers. Why doesn’t my child have good relationships with his classmates? If your child has bad relationships with classmates

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At least once in your life you have already had to join a new team. And most likely, more than once, but much more: kindergarten, first grade, a party in the yard, courses at the institute...

Then why does moving to another school seem such an alarming event? Let's try to figure it out: how to quickly and easily find mutual language with new classmates?

They greet you by their clothes...

Although clothes are not the most important thing in a person, the first impression of you largely depends on your appearance.

It is important to follow one rule: if in your old company you could appear in jeans torn at the knee and boots on a giant platform, then in your current position as a “new girl” this may be an impetus for the impression of you as a girl who does not particularly care about its appearance. Or look like a statement that you are a desperate daredevil, knee-deep in the sea. Is this really the case?

On the other hand, appearing in front of new acquaintances as a sort of “good girl” in frills and looking at the floor means going to the other extreme. Naturalness has always been and will be the main trump card and the surest way to win people's favor.

Naturalness, of course, means not only the clothes you choose, but also your makeup, manners, and communication style. You should not try to immediately become one of the people with the help of slang words, laughing too loudly or trying to please everyone by solving variants of tasks for yourself and your neighbors on the test. It still won't work. And the fact that you care too much about what they think of you will be immediately obvious - and will not add any advantages.

Observe the behavior of others: who behaves freely and uninhibitedly (within reasonable limits, of course), and who is pretending and unnaturally trying to be better than he really is. You yourself will quickly understand who is worth following as an example and who is not...

Taste and color...

It may turn out that most of the guys and girls in the class share a common hobby that is completely alien to you. For example, they are fans of Russian pop music, but the sounds of Russian rock are dearer to your heart. Or they don’t miss a single football match with the participation of the city team, and you are interested in rhythmic gymnastics... Is everything really lost? Not at all!

First of all, it’s worth trying to share everyone’s passion. What if this football is not as boring as you always thought? This does not mean that you need to break yourself and adapt to the majority. But it’s still worth trying to delve deeper into what those around you live from now on.

If you realize that pop music and the noisy crowd at the stadium are not your thing at all, don’t despair either. Perhaps the guys just don’t know how exciting it can be to watch gymnastic pirouettes? Invite them to tea at your home and turn on the broadcast in between. Or encourage them to attend a concert of a band you like.

Even the situation when, thanks to your interests, you look like a “black sheep” is not as scary as it might seem at first glance. Surely there are people nearby who understand and support you, but your classmates can appreciate something completely different - your sense of humor and responsiveness.

The teacher is always right.

If the teacher is wrong, read first.

No matter how your communication with classmates turns out, a lot depends on the attitude of the school “authorities” towards you in the persons of teachers. Here, of course, it’s simpler: when you know the subject well, or at least try to navigate the topic of the lesson as best as possible, while behaving politely and correctly, the teacher will undoubtedly appreciate this and mentally mark you as a diligent and capable student .

If at your old school you were taught according to a different program or it turned out that you were a little behind in your knowledge, in no case should you hide it. The “tails” drag on so quickly that before you have time to look back, you will find yourself in the ranks of those lagging behind. Go to the teacher and tell him directly what your problem is, don't be afraid of it. You may have to attend an elective or take a few individual lessons, or you can also agree not to be called to the board in the coming week, giving you the opportunity to catch up with the class on your own.

At the same time, no matter how well the teachers receive you, if friction arises with one of your classmates, you should not immediately raise your hand and complain. Nobody likes snitching, not even those who are being snitched on!

They say that people make their closest and most faithful friends, who remain close for many years, while studying at school and college. You still have college ahead of you, but there’s not much time left before you graduate from school. Therefore, you need to live it in such a way that later only light and bright memories remain of this carefree period.

You are new - but this will not last long, and soon you will finally get used to the new circle, but you will receive an irreplaceable lesson in the art of diplomacy, which you can only rejoice at.

Even among first-graders there is a division into popular and unpopular classmates.

It’s good if the child is simply ignored or tolerated, but it’s much worse if dislike is manifested with ridicule.

There are children who are not at all bothered by this situation - they live in their own closed world, but there are schoolchildren who suffer greatly from the inability to change the situation.

You can influence the situation in junior school , when communication between peers is still at the level of joint games, and the composition of permanent groups (circles of friends) is still unclear. At this age, children listen to adults, to the opinions of parents and teachers, and expect support and help from them.

If it is not possible to correct a child’s communication problems by high school, the same thing awaits him in student and work groups.

Main reasons for unfriendliness:

physical defects or features of appearance;
low intellectual level, lagging behind in studies;
child's giftedness;
untidy appearance, failure to comply with hygiene standards;
shyness or, conversely, an obsessive desire for;
the child gossips, trying to attract attention;
low income of parents;
parental overprotection;
transfer of a child to another school or another class;
ethnic and national differences.

Natalya Grigorenko, psychologist: “It is quite difficult to identify clear reasons for a child’s unpopularity at school. Communication between people in each team is different. To find out the real reason and help the student, you need to communicate with him personally. Of course, a lot depends on the team, the correct behavior of adults, in particular, parents. Under no circumstances should you leave a child alone in such a difficult situation.”.

To identify the true reasons for your child’s unpopularity, talk to him as much as possible . Not about a specific problem, but simply about nothing and everything. Talk about how things are going at school, maybe information will come up in passing about relationships in the class, about emerging problems. Analyze your child’s behavior on weekdays and weekends.

The following “signals” can indicate problems in communicating with classmates::

classmates call extremely rarely or not at all;
the child does not call them himself or does it very rarely;
does not talk about classmates;
the child is not invited to parties or birthdays;
he himself doesn’t know who to invite to his birthday;
constantly looking for excuses not to go to school;
sits at home on weekends or goes out only with family;
does not participate in school activities.

What to do?

It is important that the child does not break down during the time he remains rejected: does not become embittered, does not withdraw, and does not give up.

Communication problems. Teach your child to talk about himself, his hobbies, and be interested in the desires and aspirations of other people. Explain how to keep a conversation going. Encourage him to call his peers, but discuss what he wants to say first. Having spoken and comprehended the information, your junior will feel more calm during a telephone conversation.

If the child is shy. Talk to your teacher about including your student in extracurricular (or school) activities. At the same time, it is important to create a situation. This move will help the child feel more confident.

Difficulties in communication may also appear in children who obsessively strive for leadership. Teach your child to express his desires, needs, feelings. Explain that this will help others understand them and respond to them more appropriately.

Failure at school also affects the attitude of classmates. All children have different abilities, and demanding that everyone be an excellent student is, at the very least, stupid. So that the child does not feel disadvantaged, find him a place where he can realize his potential. Encourage your student's new hobbies and offer new options. Help him find himself.

Physical disabilities or appearance features. Here you need to act immediately! When a defect cannot be eliminated immediately, compensate for it physically or psychologically. Let a very overweight child go on a diet and exercise, while a weak and thin child should strengthen his body. physical exercise. If there are no problems, then very soon peers will stop noticing the external shortcomings of a cheerful and kind friend.

Low income of parents. If the class has an established opinion that a person’s position is determined by his material wealth, then it will be difficult to convey to the child that this is not the most important thing in life. He wants to be like everyone else, dress expensively, have an expensive gadget, etc. When choosing clothes, you can easily cheat: choose things of the same style, but from less popular brands: a schoolboy will look no worse. Teach your child to save money for the thing he wants, explain to him the value of the money he earns.

Transfer to another school or class. Often a sudden change in the team is accompanied. But now the child needs to abstract himself: take a closer look at the groups created in the team, choose similar hobbies, views, interests. He needs to be active, but not intrusive, to be included in joint activities, because classmates need to learn as much as possible about the newcomer.

Natalya Grigorenko, psychologist: "If in kindergarten or in another school there were no problems with communication with classmates, then in the new class certain circumstances have appeared that provoke the child’s defense mechanisms. Ask every day how was the day at school, let him draw pictures on the topic “My school”, “My class”, “My school friends”, “My first teacher”, “My best friend”, “Me and the class”, etc. d. Of course, not all at once, but gradually. Ask what he drew, who he depicted in black, brown or gray, what size, in what part of the sheet. The pictures will show you the problem.”

Of course, there can be many more reasons for relationships not working out in the classroom. But the main thing for you is to believe in your child, talk to him as much as possible about his life and possible problems. Help him find friends, because the support of family and peers is an important component of social adaptation.

Be attentive to your child. Good luck!

General characteristics of unpopular children in the class

According to the author's observations, rejected children themselves do a lot to become victims of attacks. They They easily succumb to the provocations of their classmates and give expected, often inadequate, reactions. Naturally, It’s interesting to offend someone who is offended, who throws their fists at others after any innocent remark addressed to them, who starts crying if you tease them a little, etc.

Rejected children do not know how to manage their feelings, restrain emotions, incorrectly assess the motives and meaning of actions. For example, one boy said that "vindictiveness is good quality", regarding it as the ability to stand up for oneself. The behavior of another boy surprised a classmate: "Why is he acting so strangely? When we call him names, he starts waving his arms and chasing us screaming. I would just hit him in the forehead, that’s all.”

These Children are very sensitive to the attention and sympathy shown to them. Any peer who supported them, suggested something, shared something, is immediately elevated to the rank of " best friend". This is a rather heavy burden, since rejected children can be very intrusive. Tired of excess attention and gratitude from the rejected one, the sympathizer can go into the camp of persecutors.

Janusz Korczak believed that caring for rejected children requires great tact:“We must make sure not only that they are not offended, but that they do not disturb anyone.” Such children need to be taught the rules of communication and interaction.

What to do if your child is rejected

Not all children can and want to tell their parents about their problems, and how older child, the less likely it is that he will complain to his parents about what is happening. It is worth showing interest in your child's affairs, but do it unobtrusively. If he doesn't say anything himself, should keep an eye on him.

First of all, you need to go to school, talk with teachers about your child’s relationships with classmates, see how your child behaves in class after school or during recess, on holidays: does he show initiative in communication, with whom does he communicate, who communicates with him? etc. You can turn to a school psychologist for help; it is easier for him to monitor children.

The following symptoms may indicate that the child is not doing well in class and is being rejected.

Child:

Reluctant to go to school and very happy about any opportunity not to go go there;
- returns from school depressed;
- often cries for no obvious reason;
- never mentions any of his classmates;
- talks very little about his school life;
- does not know who to call to find out lessons, or refuses to call anyone at all;
- for no apparent reason (as it seems) refuses to go to school;
- lonely: no one invites him to visit, to birthday parties, and he doesn’t want to invite anyone to his place.

How to Help Your Child Build Relationships in the Classroom

Necessarily warn the teacher about your child's problems(stuttering, need to take medications by the hour, etc.). Stuttering, tics, enuresis, encopresis, skin diseases must be monitored and treated if possible. All this can cause ridicule from peers.

Necessary provide the child with everything that will allow him to meet general school requirements. If black shorts are needed for physical education lessons, then you should not offer your child pink ones, thinking that this is not important. It may not matter to the teacher, but classmates will tease the child. This doesn’t mean that you have to follow your child’s lead and buy him a hat “like Lenka’s from 5 B.”

Advise your child to change behavior tactics. After all, if a stereotype has developed, then any action is predictable. The child behaves according to the pattern set by others. But if If he reacts to standard circumstances in an unexpected way, then perhaps he will be able to not only puzzle his pursuers, but also take a step towards overcoming the current situation . For example, you can invite your child, instead of starting to cry or hitting everyone, to look into the eyes of the offenders and calmly ask: “So what?” - or start laughing with them. In general, to do something that is not at all expected of him.

Try Provide your child with communication with classmates outside of school. Invite them to visit, arrange holidays, encourage the child to communicate with them. It is necessary to encourage the child’s participation in class events and trips in every possible way. You should not take your child out of school immediately after school, even for English or music classes. Otherwise, all the kids will become friends with each other, and your child will remain a stranger in the class.

You should not come to school to personally deal with your child’s offenders, better let you know class teacher and a psychologist. Do not rush to rush to protect your child in any conflict situation with classmates. Sometimes it is useful for a child to experience all stages of a conflict - this will help him learn to solve many problems on his own. But when teaching a child to be independent, it is important not to overdo it and not to miss a situation that the child is not able to cope with without adult intervention. Such a situation, of course, is systematic bullying and persecution of a child by peers.

Attention! If the situation has gone too far, e.g. the child is constantly humiliated or beaten - respond immediately. First of all, protect your child from communicating with offenders - do not send him to school. Dealing with offenders is not the most important thing (although you shouldn’t leave them unpunished - they will choose a new victim for themselves). It is important to help the child survive the mental trauma received, so most likely he will have to be transferred to another class. The child will need to learn not to be afraid of peers and trust them.

How to teach a child to make friends?

It is unlikely that you have ever seen a child who, when meeting new people, introduces himself as an adult and shakes hands with others. Children get to know each other by joining a group of children playing. Some children don't know how to do this, so they prefer to play alone. Others make attempts to join the game, but do so in such a way that they quickly begin to irritate other children. In this article you will find recommendations on how to help your child learn to meet new people.

Rules of etiquette

Research shows that all children can be divided into three groups based on the method they use to join a group of peers at play.

The first group of children follows the five rules of etiquette and easily gets into the game. The second group does not know these rules and makes no attempt to join the game. Finally, the third group violates the rules of etiquette.

The table below describes these three methods.

1st method (follow 5 rules of etiquette)	2nd method (play alone)	3rd method (violate the rules of etiquette
1. Watches other children play, showing his interest in the game. Tries to determine the rules of the game and who wins if the game is competitive. Compares children's developmental level with their own.	Doesn't watch children play.	Starts playing without understanding the rules of the game, tries to ruin the game, or annoys other children by asking what they are playing.
2. Watches the game silently or says something nice to the children playing. Like: “great shot”, “threw far”, etc.		Criticizes other children.
3. Waits for a pause in the game to ask to join.	Doesn't make any attempts to join the game. Waiting to be called.	Interferes in the game without asking.
4. For boys: joins the side that needs help more (the team that is losing or has fewer participants). For girls: asks permission to join the game from the owner of the toy.
5. Accepts refusal without offense, after which he looks for another group of children.		Complains to adults if he is not accepted into the game.

Action plan

1. Find a place (playground, school yard) where children the same age as your child or a little younger play. There is no need to choose older children, because... they will not treat your child as equals.

2. Let your son or daughter first watch the game from a short distance to determine whether he likes the game, find out the rules of the game, who wins/loses in the game. By watching the game, your child will also show other children that they are interested. Sometimes the kids themselves invite the newcomer to join the game.

3. You should follow the game in silence. It is only allowed to compliment the players about the game.

4. Explain to your child that they must wait until there is a pause in the game before asking permission to join. Tell him in advance the words with which he can address the children.

5. Teach your child to accept refusal without offense. Refusal is not a reason to be upset, it is a reason to look for another group of children.

6. Praise the child regardless of whether his attempts to join the game were successful or not.

Adolescence is not the easiest period for both children and mothers and fathers. We have already told you... But children have difficulties communicating not only with adults, but also with classmates. We have selected 13 tips to help teenagers communicate with peers. These psychological tricks will also be useful for parents.

1. If you understand that the interlocutor lied or hid information, do not ask additional questions or ask again - just look carefully into his eyes. This technique will force the counterpart to tell the unsaid.

3. It's important for parents. This is especially true in adolescence, when every comment can be taken very personally. Teach your teen how to soften criticism. If he knows that unflattering reviews cannot be avoided, let him become as close as possible to the person who will criticize. This way the person will soften and give less negative information than if the teenager stood further away from him.

4 . An important test, a speech in front of a large audience, or even just the first declaration of love - all this can be exciting for a teenager. How to cope with anxiety? Chew some gum. Chewing is associated with eating. And we eat mostly at home, that is, in our own and safe place. With the help of chewing gum you can trick the brain and create a “homey” atmosphere for it.

5. Even with extreme anxiety during exams and other teenage situations, a proven method will help - imagine that the opponent is your close friend. This will make you feel calmer and make it easier to establish contact with your interlocutor.

6. Another pressing question adolescence- first love. There is a proven way to reveal the sympathy of a particular person: when everyone in the company is laughing, pay attention to who is looking at whom. In such a situation, each person subconsciously looks at the one who is most sympathetic to him. So keep your eyes peeled, maybe you'll figure out who should send it to.

7. If you don’t like someone very much, but you can’t stop communicating, try to express more joy when meeting this person: smile, say his name with special warmth. With this practice, the attitude towards a person will really change for the better.

8. Adolescence is a time of conflict. But if a tense situation arises in a room with mirrors, stand so that the mirror is behind you, and the interlocutors are opposite you. This way they will see their reflection. And who wants to look angry and dissatisfied? No one. So your counterparts will try to behave calmer.

9. A proven way to attract the attention of the person you like: look carefully at the object located directly behind his shoulders. As soon as the object of your affection pays attention to you, look into his eyes and smile slightly.

10 . Another way to win someone over is to look them in the eyes. When you meet, simply determine his eye color. Making eye contact is attractive, and you can gain the sympathy of the person you like.

How your relationships with your peers develop largely depends on you. Of course, your knowledge and skills, your appearance, and sense of humor will always be important to create authority. But the ability to behave, be tactful and attentive with others is still perhaps the most important. You can be able and know a lot, but if you don’t learn how to communicate with people, they won’t want to listen to you or admire your achievements.

There can be no insignificant details in communication. Every person at any age enjoys communicating with a polite, well-mannered and helpful person.

It is ugly, for example, to look into the notebook of your desk neighbor without permission. You cannot read other people's letters or personal diaries. It is rude to stand behind someone who is working on a computer.

Even if there is nothing secret in a written letter (on paper or on a computer), not everyone likes to have someone read words intended for another person.

For some reason, some guys do not call each other by their names when communicating, but come up with various nicknames for their classmates. Most often, school nicknames are formed, of course, from the surname. For example, Skvortsov, Stepanov, Belov, Frolov and Morozov automatically become simply Skvorts, Styopa, Bely, Frol and Moroz at school. Some guys are proud of their nickname, while others are completely indifferent to what they are called.

But there are many impressionable and shy children who are painfully worried and even suffer from such treatment and are very ashamed of their nickname. It even happens that from such suffering and grief they have nervous breakdowns. There are often cases when offensive nicknames and difficult relationships with peers become the cause of stuttering. And some myopic guys refuse to wear glasses for the sole reason that they will be teased as bespectacled or nerdy.

It doesn’t even occur to many kids that their classmate is worried and crying because of the nickname given to him.

Of course, only very stupid and evil people take pleasure in hurting others. Most often, guys do this not out of malice. But before you give someone a nickname, remember that a person has a name. For each of us, a name means a lot. Parents chose it for a long time, hoping that it would bring their child good luck in life. It is ugly and impolite to call your friends by their last name or replace their first name with a stupid or offensive nickname.

In order for you to develop a good relationship with friends and classmates, pay attention to these tips.

Rules for communicating with classmates

Show attention to your friends and classmates, try not to let your words and actions offend them;

Never laugh at people's physical disabilities;

Always and in everything help the younger and weaker;

Do not forget to thank for the service rendered to you;

Don’t come up with offensive nicknames for anyone;

If you yourself suffer from a nickname that has become attached to you, do not respond to it; maybe then your offender will remember your name;

If a friend lent you something, give it to him within the promised time, without waiting for him to remind you of it;

Always keep the promises you make;

Never promise what you cannot deliver;

Treasure your word: your friends should know that they can rely on you in everything, that you always keep your word;

Always be precise: inaccuracy is primarily impolite;

Never eavesdrop on other people's conversations or read other people's letters;

Never show disrespect, impudence, insolence, rudeness or rudeness towards people.