It is a very common occurrence when a daughter-in-law or son-in-law has a strained relationship with the parents of a loved one. Especially often, communication problems arise among daughters-in-law and mother-in-law. Many anecdotes and caustic proverbs are based on this problem. Sometimes even crime dramas unfold based on the conflicts between these two women. Rare omissions grow into a large-scale war, the strongest marriages fall apart due to stupid quarrels between two women. “And who needs this?” – I just want to ask the warring relatives.

The main initiator of conflicts is usually the mother-in-law. She is jealous of her son for his chosen one on a subconscious level and begins to make rude and unfounded remarks to her daughter-in-law, which leave a deep, unhealed wound in the soul of the young woman. The newly made relative cannot cope with the attacks of her mother-in-law and prefers to simply leave the family.

Which, of course, you shouldn’t do. If you don’t like what you’re being scolded for, then you shouldn’t remain silent and be offended. And even more so, express to your husband everything that is boiling in your soul. It is better to tell your mother-in-law in a gentle form that you are not satisfied with this state of affairs and that it would be nice if you were not treated in this manner.

Don’t be afraid to get into an argument; many women are afraid that their husband will leave them if she quarrels with his mother. He won't quit. Perhaps he himself is not against his beloved women sorting out their relationships with each other and learning to get along with each other.

Do not forget also that your mother-in-law is, first of all, a woman, as a rule, no longer young and lonely, who loves care and attention. Don’t be stingy once again with a compliment or a present for your husband’s mother and she will thank you in kind. Invite someone or send a bouquet of flowers for no reason - these simple actions will significantly improve your relationship and your spouse will be pleased. You will literally grow in his eyes, he will become proud of you and will tell his friends how wonderful his wife is.

— How important is a successful relationship with each other’s parents for the quality of the spouses’ relationship?

— If a couple has a harmoniously built relationship with the parents of both spouses, this really greatly ensures the well-being of the relationship within the couple. Today, future spouses pay little attention to what kind of family their life partner has. All traditional chains, traditional relationships in the family, all the logic of building premarital relationships have been forgotten.

Meanwhile, this is a fundamentally important point that needs to be paid attention to when the relationship is still in its infancy. Your entire future life will depend on how the parents of your chosen one or chosen one treat each other and their child.

Our ancestors had it all differently. For example, in Vladimir Soloukhin’s book “Laughter Behind the Left Shoulder,” the author tells how his mother got married. And it happened like this: one day, when she reached the age of eighteen, matchmakers entered their hut. In the hut, besides the future bride and her parents, her grandfather was lying on the stove. Grandfather was blind. And he asks: “Who came?” They tell him: “Yes, the Soloukhins came from the neighboring village to woo Stesha.” He says: “Ah... Soloukhins are so-and-so?” - "Yes, good. Let them take it." And the writer says that the family that was born in this way - the family of his parents - was happy. Then they married into the family, and married into the family. And this is the right approach.

- Because then you had to live side by side in a small village, in the same hut, in the same family? Of course, in such conditions I had to carefully study the character of all my future relatives!

— The family was called “weekly,” that is, not divided. All generations lived in the same house, and sometimes 25 people sat down at one table every day. Now people’s hair will stand on end if you tell them about this and invite them to try on such a life for themselves.

It is clear that this way of creating a family is practically not applicable to today's conditions. But you are amazed when you come across stories where the parents of the bride and groom see each other for the first time only at the wedding! And this happens not because the city is not a village, but because people do not understand how to behave in the premarital period.

The premarital period poses certain challenges for the couple. One of the main tasks is to find out: does your future spouse know how to communicate, how does he resolve conflicts? You look at whether he works, how often he changes jobs, whether there is stability in terms of professional status, or at least a potential desire to find it, whether he has ambitions and what they are. And, of course, what the situation is in his family.

Sometimes in consultations I answer the question “Have you talked to his parents?” in response I hear: “He hasn’t invited me yet. I constantly ask him when we will go to your parents, but he always postpones my acquaintance with them.”

Still, we must try to get to know them. You need to talk to your future spouse about this: “You know, I noticed... I asked you once, twice, if possible, to meet with your parents, but you don’t want to fulfill my request. Why is that? Maybe this is due to the fact that you are shy about me? Or maybe your relationship with them is not going well?..” A lot can become clear from the conversation. For example, that a person has completely closed this topic for himself; he has a long-standing conflict with his parents. And it is very possible that he does not understand how important relationships with his parents are for him now because later he will transfer this baggage of unresolved problems into your marital family relationships.

It is imperative to reconcile with your parents if you are in a quarrel with them during the premarital period of your relationship. And if your future spouse is in a quarrel with his parents, it is important to at least understand: does he have motivation for this? Because if a girl says, “I think you shouldn’t be offended by your parents,” and he doesn’t want to discuss it or answers, “I’ll never forgive them in my life!” They drank so much blood from me!” - this is a very unfavorable symptom.

- Maybe they don’t have any conflicts in their family, it’s just the way it is: don’t interfere in each other’s lives, don’t tell anything, don’t introduce any of your friends - once a week, on Sunday I called my “ancestors” and asked, How are they doing - and is it normal?

- Maybe, but the fact is that during this period of premarital relations idealization occurs. People want and try with all their might to look good in front of each other, and therefore do not even touch upon topics that are painful to them or insoluble problems.

Each family, including the family of our chosen one, has its own rules. Here is the rule “not to wash dirty linen in public”, the rule to create myths that “everything is fine in our family.” You can accept this and say: “Yes, that’s how they do it!” But then you will need to accept as a fact that already in your own family you, most likely, will not be able to discuss with your husband anything that will seriously worry you in your relationship with him.

The rules established in his family will then constantly, temporarily or forever, appear and operate in your family. Get ready for this. Are you ready? Then - get married!

And this is precisely the most important criterion for choosing a spouse: “I am ready to take into account all his troubles, I love him for who he is!”

— What should a spouse do in that common situation when one of the parents of his other half does not want to accept him? Or are there cases when they will never get better, and still this mother or father will directly or indirectly try to destroy the family of their son or daughter?

- You know, they say that everything can be resolved with everyone, and everyone can be loved. Love can conquer everything.

— That is, if the bride finds a reasonable approach to her mother-in-law, namely, demonstrates feelings of respect and love towards her, despite all her aggression, then over time this will help?

“I would not idealize such an approach, because all the time that the daughter-in-law is trying to win the favor of her mother-in-law with love and respect, such battles will go on in their family... But if she has the motivation: “Yes, I want to understand what is behind with this hatred, I want to find an approach, a key...” - this will definitely have an effect someday. There is no need to despair, we need to look for this key, we all walk under God, and all living people.

“I know, for example, my friend’s family, where the bride saw her future mother-in-law for the first time on her wedding day, and since then they have not communicated. But when the mother calls her husband, she constantly pours slop on her daughter-in-law. The relationships in this family are simply terrible! I don’t know how much they are related to the mother-in-law’s attitude towards the daughter-in-law, how much the mother influences her son with her conversations. But there are also such acute cases when the wall of hatred and alienation cannot be broken through.

“Here the root of the problem is not in the mother-in-law herself, but in her son and this woman’s husband.” Because the relationship “mother-in-law, son and daughter-in-law” is a love triangle relationship. And the apex of this triangle is the son. In the first phase of the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship, there is a competing relationship for his attention. Then, from competing, they should develop into more adequate ones, when each takes its place in his family. The role of this male person is that he will have to determine for himself who is first for him and who is second. The wise one loving husband his wife is in first place, with a reasonable one, loving wife her husband comes first.

Mothers are also an important part of the certain place both in his and in her life - both his own mother and his wife’s mother. They can bring a lot of their love and care into the relationship of spouses and thereby improve them. And this is precisely the question that before marriage, spouses must solve, each spouse separately, all the most important problems with their parents.

Problems like the one you described are the result of codependency: his from his own mother (from her mother-in-law) and her from her mother (his mother-in-law).

Then it goes like this: the second place in the lives of the spouses should be taken by their children, and then only, in third place, should the parents be. Not because they are not worthy of respect and love, but because everything should be reasonably placed in its place. One man said that they had a very acute conflict in their family: his mother opposed the marriage, he, against her will, got married, but they all had one single living space, where they all began to live together. And the competition between his mother and wife unsettled him, leading everyone into a dead end and squeezing out the strength of the entire family. When we sorted out the situation with him and his wife, he told his mother: “Mom, I love you very much. You have done a lot for me, I appreciate you very much. But, you see, I got married, and I love my wife too. And I will live with her until the end. Because, firstly, I am a Christian, and, secondly, I just love her very much. And I don't make any difference between you. You know, you can love equally. So please accept it as my choice. I love this person, I will never part with her. I will also never leave you. You can believe it, and I think that you have every reason to believe me, because I am helping you, and I will never leave you. But this does not mean that I will be next to you all the time. No. I have a wife, and she now occupies a significant place in my life.” And when he said this, mom retreated.

Parents do not always retreat immediately. They can fight for a long time, they will demand, reproach, cry. Maintain a manipulative, passionate relationship between yourself and your children. Passion is destructive, passion is suffering. And this is a relationship built incorrectly. We are called to grow. For us to grow, we need to help our parents grow. To do this, you will have to humble yourself and endure his whims, his weakness.

Our parent is in an age phase when he experiences a very strong hormonal change, a restructuring that begins when the middle of life is increasingly left behind. What is the meaning of his life? In children. And he cannot accept his fate of aging. We must understand what is happening to our parent and accept him in this state.

— It turns out that one of the ways out of such a conflict situation, when a parent does not accept the chosen one of his grown-up child, is to ensure that this grown-up child is able to build a relationship with his parents? It's not the bride-to-be who needs to try her best to break this barrier, but her future husband who needs to try to prevent it from happening?

- Absolutely true, because it is the husband who needs to take the position of her protector in relation to his wife. The role of the husband is that of the head of the family. And the head of the family is the protector. The male role is characterized by the following traits: responsible, provider, protector, reliable, faithful. He must declare all this by his behavior. But my wife has a different burden.

— It turns out that by building relationships with her husband’s parents on her own, the wife partly takes on the role of family protector, characteristic of her husband?

- Yes. If she takes upon herself everything related to this conflict, she will really take the place that her husband should take. Well, what should she do now: endure, resign herself? This happens when a husband does not live up to his role, and then he is eliminated from the conflicts between his wife and his mother. For example, he begins to work a lot so as not to appear at home, not to solve these problems, he says: “Mom, sort things out with her yourself! I don’t want to, I’m tired of your endless squabbles!” Meanwhile, this is his problem! First of all, it is he who must solve it, but he believes that this is not so: he loves both his wife and his mother, and if they are not happy with each other, then they themselves must understand the reasons for their discontent. To some extent, of course - yes, this is true, but first he must set boundaries in the family.

The triangular form of relationships in the family creates such communication when not direct, but indirect communication between family members acquires great importance. Due to the incorrect arrangement of their roles, functions, and responsibilities, they begin to try to influence each other through someone else. The husband says to his wife: “Listen, your mother said about you again that...” She listens to him and flares up: “Oh, again?! She's complaining again?! As much as possible already! Tell her that...” - and again there was a pile of small things...

- Indeed, quite often there are situations when a mother wants to influence her daughter-in-law through her son. She doesn’t want to communicate with her so much, for many reasons, that she herself will never call her or meet with her, but when communicating with her son, she seems to kill two birds with one stone: she maintains a distance from her daughter-in-law, and at the same time, tries to influence her or harm her through his son. Probably, thanks to taking such a position, she feels like she is at the epicenter of some kind of action. So she would be sitting in front of the TV, watching a series, but here it seems like such a hectic life is in full swing around her!

— She is stormy outwardly, but on the other hand, in the mother’s soul there can’t help but be discomfort from the fact that her son is still unhappy: either, as the mother-in-law thinks, because of his wife, or because of the words or actions of his mother .

— That is, even though she fights for him and brings confusion and discord into the family, does she still sympathize with him in her heart? Or does she feel sorry for him: “Oh, what kind of wife did you get...”, not understanding her role in his misfortune?

— A person cannot help but suffer when he does wrong things. There is always a feeling of guilt inside every person who does evil. It is unconscious to them, it hides deep down all the time, but it is still there. It is not formulated as “I’m wrong,” but still somewhere inside there is: “It’s bad, I feel so bad!” And, of course, a person begins to look for strength, to look for a place where he would feel good, and again, often for the sake of this, he sins, and again he feels bad... And this is also a vicious circle!

Yes, a person may not be at all aware of his guilt, turning a blind eye to everything that happens to his child: “I’m not to blame for anything, she, my daughter-in-law, is bad - that’s all!”

— How much does a family’s well-being depend on whether a young family lives with their parents under the same roof or not?

- If the relationship between spouses and parents is already more or less well-established, then they will be prosperous in one common house. If this is a family where people respect each other and respect themselves, they will be able to interact intelligently and culturally and live happily together.

But for this it is necessary that all these people are truly cultured, that they are not psychologically dependent on each other, that they know how to distribute their free time among themselves, that they know how to build reasonable but strict boundaries within the family, that they know how to correctly distribute functions and responsibilities within the family. family - who does what, who does what at home. These need to be mature people! Of course, all these numerous conditions must be met in order to realize in life some ideal model of a large family, but such families do exist.

— How do most families feel who live under the same roof with the parents of one of the spouses?

- How do they live? They live terribly. There are very few pleasant exceptions when different generations get along well under one roof. But it must be said that now there are few happy families at all. Therefore, in principle, I believe that ideally it would be good for the boundaries of relationships between different generations of the same family to be separated geographically.

— So, it’s always better to live separately from your parents?

- Of course, it’s better to live separately if possible. Why create additional problems for yourself and then waste energy on solving them? If we are a family, we can have our own plan for how we will build our lives. Parents separate from us, we help them, but we don’t have to be together.

Among other things, we also need to figure out what we mean when we talk about our desire to live “separately” or our reluctance to live “together” with someone. If we talk about separation, this does not always mean that we completely separate from someone and no longer interact with him, and vice versa. When relationships with parents are built intelligently, we are separated from them geographically, physically, but we always interact with them. And we benefit from this interaction.

“There are situations when the umbilical cord is not cut between a married daughter and her mother, and the mother, even if she does not live with her daughter’s family, is there all the time, as if at work - from sunrise to sunset. And to any objections from her husband, his wife says: “Just try and say something bad about my mother!” What should a man do in such a situation? How will such a relationship between wife and mother affect the family?

— We have already touched on this topic a little. It is not normal when a husband is very dependent on his parents, on his mother, or when a wife is dependent on her mother. This is a very difficult situation that happens all the time now. Which is not surprising, because we inherit bad family patterns.

We almost always transfer problems that come from our parents’ family into our family and solve them throughout our lives. It happens that children say to their parents: “Why should I live the way you live?!” No way in the world!” But it is precisely this formula that will definitely put them in conditions where they will act in their family exactly as their parents did, although this may not happen immediately, after some time.

Why do we say that it would be good for quarreling parents and children to reconcile before marriage? If a person condemns his parent, then he evaluates his behavior, which means that in order to understand him, to feel what was behind this or that parent’s action, he will have to find himself in the same situation. To use personal experience and through your pain say: “Yes, I was wrong, just like my parent in the past!”

— What is the real essence of the claims between children and parents?

— It seems to me that the main essence of the complaints between generations is that parents want some kind of special attention, they want to be respected, to be taken into account, to be taken into account with their advice, with their instructions, with their recommendations, in general with any of their interference in the lives of their children. They are sure that managing the lives of their children is their right and duty, and that children are obliged to perceive everything only as it seems proper to the parents themselves.

This position is typical of parents of any age, and, of course, it conflicts with the interests of the children themselves, who change greatly over the years. By getting married, they generally enter a new phase of their development and master new roles for themselves. By this point, they should already be and be considered truly adults. Maybe this is not always the case in reality: different people develop differently. But, even if this is so, a person must certainly become an adult when he has his own family.

And therefore, grown-up, family children begin to resist the intervention of their parents if this intervention, as it seems to them, crosses certain acceptable boundaries. And here the scythe is found on the stone. The problem is that parents often do not understand what they should instill in their children, and further support in them the skills of independent decision-making, responsibility for their lives and the lives of loved ones. If this does not happen, if the parents were unable to instill these qualities in their child, and they themselves do not grow, then the conflict between generations becomes very acute.

Children also sometimes give their parents a reason to interfere in their lives. It doesn’t happen that in a “we are parents” relationship, we know everything, do everything right, and can do everything, but the parents are completely wrong. When parents see that their child behaves inappropriately for his age, if he cannot take responsibility for his life, if he is emotionally immature, capricious, offended, angry, stamping his feet, then they believe that the child is in danger. And parental instinct obliges them to protect their child, despite his age and his own resistance.

This is wrong and does not solve the problem, since he, the parent, is himself to blame for not teaching his child how to protect himself in a given situation. But no matter how much you fight off excessive and intrusive care, the parent sees here too that you are behaving - and screaming, and swearing - like a child. Therefore, despite your protests, he thinks: “No, let me stay with him a little longer until he gets a little stronger!” And this is again a problem in which codependency plays a key role.

There are many things parents must do to prevent future conflicts with their children and their spouses. Their job is to instill the skills and behaviors of a mature personality in their growing child. So that when he flies out of the nest, he is already formed in terms of the fact that he can stand up for himself, can, without hesitation, make the right and strong decisions, and most importantly, distinguish good from evil. He must know firmly what is bad and what is good, and be able to practice what is good. He must be able to independently organize and provide for himself and his family in all aspects of life. Parents, for the most part, do not always manage to do this.

- But besides the parental instinct, behind this attitude there may probably also be a cunning hidden, when such a parent reasons like this: “You will always be little with me, and therefore, my dear, you will not get away from me until your retirement”?

- You called it cunning, but in psychology it is called secondary gain. She very well may be. The real point of all these interventions and obsessive care is that it is beneficial for the parent that the child continues to need him. But on the surface there are seemingly noble and good intentions: “I want the best for you, I want you to be happy, to avoid my mistakes!”

Since the need to be needed is deeply seated in us, we try to realize it, even imposing the need for ourselves on other people. But when the true essence of the conflict is hidden somewhere, but we are not aware of it and close ourselves off, do not try to understand what drives our actions, then we deprive ourselves of the important meanings of life, replacing them with a surrogate.

— We looked at some examples of how the older generation expresses their complaints, and discussed the reasons for these complaints. What happens to the younger generation? What is the essence and common reasons his hostility and deafness towards his parents?

— The main problem of children is similar to the problem of parents, it is that children do not want to sort out their feelings, understand themselves, cannot talk about it, explain themselves and their behavior to their loved ones. Don’t just refuse to do something that your parents ask, but respond to their requests in some reasonable way, find out and explain your motives.

Sooner or later, a person comes to the conclusion that he himself was not just a puppet in the hands of fate and bears his responsibility for everything that happened to him. Both in childhood and in adulthood. Everyone is responsible for their life.

And if we were not able to behave with dignity towards our parents at one time, we can, having become adults, mentally move into the past and live through all the problems remaining in it as it was necessary. We must reconcile with our parents. And not to remain hostages, victims of themselves, who sentence their parents to eternal punishment: “You are wrong, I will not live the way you lived, I will always do everything differently!” There is always an element of codependency in this absolute denial. It turns out that we are like Siamese twins - we still remain together with our parents, we are still strictly connected with them in the choice of our behavior and in our actions. Therefore, no matter where we live, even if we go to America, we will still remain small children due to our painful attachment to the past.

— What to do if a parent does not accept any kind persuasion and requests?

“It is difficult for a parent to part with his usual pattern of behavior, with his passions, to enter into a new role, to discover new meanings in life - just like for any person. And sometimes this can happen through intense conflict. But we must at least try to resolve the matter through negotiations! Ideally, you need to choose a convenient time for a serious conversation, without just saying “Mom, I love you, but please don’t get into my gate!” And choose the time, prepare emotionally, pray that God will enlighten you, so that He will help you get through this conversation in the right direction.

Ask: “Mom, can you give me some time now? I really want to talk to you." It's not always when I give this advice that people understand how important it is. They don't always think that this is possible. They often say: “Oh, my mother won’t listen to me! What are you talking about?! Yes, I’ve never told her in my life... You know, I’ll tell you honestly - I’ve never even told her in my life that I love her! She won’t believe me, and I don’t believe it myself, I’m so angry at her!”

Here we are talking about practical means of overcoming the conflict, at least the most simple means. This conversation is one of them. When we talk with confidence that we are right, but also with love, then a person, as a rule, does not resist or defend himself, he is ready to listen to us.

- Could it be reasonable to stop communicating with your parents altogether if, as it seems to children, they are purposefully trying to destroy their family and hate them? And it happens that children go to another city, and they know that their mother is sick, that she is in bed, but still: “I’ll never even call her again!” Does it happen that this is justified: the only way to save your family is to break off the relationship once and for all?

— In our conversation today, the topic of contrasting ideal ideas about life and life itself, as it is, constantly arises. The ideal is, of course, to reconcile with your parents with the help of patience and love and overcome the conflict with them.

And life is a multitude of complex individual cases with many active factors; these are intricate and, moreover, always subjectively perceived stories of relationships. To answer this question specifically, we can say that, of course, in a situation of extreme acuteness of the conflict, such a solution is possible. When parents, for example, are sectarians, and I think and raise children in the Orthodox paradigm, or parents go to witches and try to cast a spell on my wife, or parents begin to turn her children against their own mother, that is, when the boundaries of relationships are constantly broken , then they need to be separated.

Sometimes there are parents who are mentally ill or alcoholics, and there are other situations when there is a powerful destructive attack on their part. Therefore, of course, in this situation, the family and its living space must be strictly protected, and the husband must bear responsibility for this, first of all.

But when defending ourselves, we must still learn to do it in a mannered manner and with respect for our parents. To protect in a dignified manner, without descending to the level of an animal or a sadist who takes pleasure in the suffering of his parents. We must remain human in any case. Honoring parents means respecting them, and respect means understanding their condition. Help them with what we can help them with now. Help them somehow cope with their illness, if they are sick, with their problems...

One way or another, the conflict between fathers and children at some age phase is inevitable, although it does not always take the form of such a confrontation, where a break becomes the only adequate solution. Most often, this conflict escalates in adolescence when children feel like adults without being one yet. Here there is a kind of overthrow from the pedestal of the parent, who was everything for the child before - both God and the highest authority. Not always an authority in moral terms, but always an authority in terms of the mandatory execution of directives that the parent issued from above.

— How to talk to parents about problems? For example, you can talk like this: “You come to us for a whole month, every day, and every day you sit until late. I love you very much, but I would like to say that it seems to me that you couldn’t really do anything in your family, and now you’re ruining everything for me!”?

“If you talk like that, no mother will hear.” And in order to say the same thing, but not all at once, piecemeal, and in a soft form, and with benefit for further relationships, you need to make titanic efforts, try to learn how to speak, weighing every absolute word and formulating it in order to fulfill the advice of Ambrose of Optina: “No one condemn, not annoy anyone, and my respect to everyone.”

At first you need to talk carefully and even timidly, because parents are afraid of losing their status. But learning to talk to them is a necessity. When they hold on to this status, they are afraid that we will cross the border, and then it will be bad for them. They are afraid that suddenly we will say: “What a terrible life you lived!” or “You are wrong!”, and thereby destroy their authority and lower their self-esteem.

If we constantly tell them “I value you very much!”, “I love you very much!”, then perhaps we will come to the point of becoming friends with our parents. Here are friends, they can tell each other: “You know, you’re wrong!”, or admit, “Yes, I was wrong!” To achieve this in relationships with parents, it is very important to start with the following words: “I value you as the main thing, the first, I accept that I am smaller, younger, but still I want to be on an equal footing.” We must come to the point of building good, close, trusting, friendly relationships with our parents, despite the fact that we take into account their position. And with spouses in exactly the same way, and then with children to build exactly the same relationships. We must be reasonable, reasonable, sensitive and responsive people.

— If children only make efforts to resolve the conflict, and parents at this moment distance themselves from them, then nothing will come of it?

- The situation can still change for the better, but with unilateral efforts, things usually change very hard - most likely, before that, someone gets sick or dies. But success is also possible with unilateral efforts.

Let's take this example. One of my friends in the family simply has “Santa Barbara”. She and her husband are constantly in conflict with his parents' family. She says: “His mother is some kind of monster! I don't know how to talk to her. I do this and that, I try - and nothing!” She and her husband have been living for more than twenty years. And this conflict has long been protracted. His mother - well, not at all. She is an unbeliever, but my friend is a churchgoer. And she tries very hard to maintain peace in the family, prays for everyone. And then one day she again quarreled with her mother-in-law, but the other day was her birthday: “I just have no desire to go to her. I don’t want to have any contact with her at all!” However, she decided to congratulate her and come to visit her. And when she made this decision, something suddenly happened. What happened, as she says, was a miracle. Incredibly, the mother-in-law herself called her son and asked him, as if nothing had happened: “How are you doing there? How is Masha doing?” I, he says, was in shock.

What she did: every time, despite the fact that she could no longer tolerate her mother-in-law’s despotism, she still again stepped over her “I don’t want”, through her ambitions, through her irritation, she still went. It's very hard, but it's so rewarding! This is what children can always do to build healthy relationships. But you need to love at least a little the one with whom you are in a quarrel. What won’t I do for the sake of my loved one? Yes, I will do everything. Love overcomes absolutely everything, love conquers everything. You just need to work tirelessly on yourself. If you cannot change your mother-in-law, then you need to change yourself.

But very often, when people come or call the helpline, they ask: “How can I change my husband?”, “How can I get my girlfriend back?”, “How can I influence my mother-in-law to treat me well, to love me, to didn’t you make a scandal?” People want to change others, but not themselves. And without parting with this intention, a person is doomed to always walk in a vicious circle of the same conflicts with others.

This is our choice. I choose maturity, I choose love, I choose life, I choose happiness, I choose joy - this is my choice. Or I choose constant squabbles, scandals, and make this the meaning of my life. Many families live this way. They conflict and quarrel with each other every day. They live and think: “Why are we so unhappy? Why have all these bastards tormented us so much?”

You need to constantly go through the development of your own positive qualities and virtues. And not think about how I want to change everyone: “I want to help them so that they are good.” And the end result is broken hearts.

— How can parents properly build relationships with a young family? What can parents do to ensure that communication with them contributes to the happiness of the young family?

— You should help whenever possible, but not interfere directly with your advice. Don't notice that your son's young wife hasn't washed the cup properly, or that she has a pile of laundry. Try to understand from our experience that they are still young, that they still have to gain their experience, they have to go their own way, and forgive them. Because the main problem of mothers-in-law or mother-in-law is that they make excessive demands, expecting the husbands or wives of their children to be ideal. That they will cook borscht just as well as she does, they will earn great money, and in general they will do everything, everything, the same as they did, and even better. “How is it that she doesn’t know how to cook borscht?! Yes, I’ve been dedicated to my husband all my life... I’m like a squirrel in a wheel... Yes, I got up early, and she sleeps until ten or eleven o’clock!”

You need to accept the idea that I am me, and she is she. And she still has plenty of time to learn to love your son, and she will definitely do it. And you can only help her. Help, after asking: “Do you mind if I help you?”, respect boundaries.

But in life everything is not like that. Everything happens differently: Saturday morning. The wife lies with her husband in a negligee. Their mother-in-law bursts into their room: “Listen, why are you lying down here? How can! Day off, full of things to do. Get ready, let's go to the dacha! If they don’t go to the dacha and don’t jump up right away, that’s it, the weekend will be ruined.

- How should they behave in such a situation - those who are lifted out of bed?

— Learn to talk correctly with your mother-in-law or with your mother. If you tell her: “Yes, as much as possible! Get out now and close the door!” - she won't hear. If I were my husband and son, I would say: “Mom, this is my territory. And I respect you very much. I try not to violate your boundaries, I try to take into account your mood, and if you don’t feel well and are lying in your room, I won’t demand that you go somewhere urgently. I'll knock, ask if there's something I can do, if you want me to sit with you. I ask you to do the same with me.”

Another practical story comes to mind. This story is still in development, but I assume that it will be successfully completed. This is the story of a large family. They also lived together, then separated - the parents went to the dacha, and the spouses and their children remained in a three-room apartment. But since their relationship with their parents is symbiotic, codependent, for some reason it turned out that, despite the fact that this the large family, the couple had the belief that their parents should live with them. And so they continued to huddle in two rooms with their four children, keeping the third room untouched for their parents, who periodically returned from the dacha to live with them again for some time. Here's the story.

The conflict flared up when they finally asked their parents to try to find another permanent home in the city. Their parents refused this and replied that they were not ready to sacrifice this three-room apartment. Not because of greed, but because of some more complex reasons: they did not trust their son’s wife, they were afraid that she would leave him without housing in the event of a divorce.

Further events developed like this: the codependency of children and parents led to the fact that these children also got into a pose and were offended by their parents: “How could they! We did so much for them, put so much effort into their dacha! How could they betray us!

Communicating with this married couple, we began to talk about the root of these problems, the reasons, and came up with the topic of codependency. One of its consequences is that when young people invested their energy in a dacha, they always wanted to appear kind and caring to their parents. They invested there, not demanding anything in return, on the one hand, but on the other hand, expecting that their parents would somehow also help them. And when they were faced with a refusal, then they were very worried about it, to the point that they wanted to no longer communicate with their parents at all.

And secondly, as a result, the parents, feeling dependent on themselves, began to laugh at their son: “Well, maybe you’ll give up on us if we don’t give you this room?” They began to sneer at this situation, which irritated their son and his wife even more.

We began to talk through all these nuances with them, the reasons for the current situation, how it all works. We began therapeutic work with spouses, with their personal problems separately, and began to figure out where all this was coming from.

And after some time, the children were able to find the optimal solution in this situation. The solution was this: they remain in the room in which they lived until now, and will not demand any changes from their parents for themselves personally. But at the same time, the third, the parents’ room - and it was simply taboo, no one had been allowed to enter it until then, it was a sacred rule - they decided to populate it with children. Of their four children, two are boys and two are girls, and now they will have the opportunity to live two at a time in separate rooms. Parents, of course, are allowed to come and visit, but they will no longer be able to demand that their room be kept intact - where they are put to sleep is where they will spend the night.

They say: “We will do as we decided - and whatever they want, so let them answer it. When they come to us in two months, we will present them with a fait accompli.” But then we began to work through this decision, we talked about how such behavior would again be a kind of challenge, a demonstration, it would happen again childish behavior. And we are gradually learning to be adults. They wisely decided that before changing anything, it would be better, when their parents come to see them again, to gradually prepare them for making this decision, to talk through the current situation with them. I think that everything will be fine for them in the end.

Distance (online) psychological training for families: . ( Jacek Pulikowski)
Parental interference in the lives of newlyweds ( Jacek Pulikowski)
Living in parents' apartment ( Jacek Pulikowski)
Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law: 7 myths ( Psychologist Yulia Novikova)
Conflict with father-in-law ( Alena, 39 years old)

How to improve relations with your husband's parents? Relationships with husband's parents advice from a psychologist

It is a very common occurrence when a daughter-in-law or son-in-law has a strained relationship with the parents of a loved one. Especially often, communication problems arise among daughters-in-law and mother-in-law. Many anecdotes and caustic proverbs are based on this problem. Sometimes even crime dramas unfold based on the conflicts between these two women. Rare omissions grow into a large-scale war, the strongest marriages fall apart due to stupid quarrels between two women. “And who needs this?” - I just want to ask the warring relatives.

The main initiator of conflicts is usually the mother-in-law. She is jealous of her son for his chosen one on a subconscious level and begins to make rude and unfounded remarks to her daughter-in-law, which leave a deep, unhealed wound in the soul of the young woman. The newly made relative cannot cope with the attacks of her mother-in-law and prefers to simply leave the family.

Which, of course, you shouldn’t do. If you don’t like what you’re being scolded for, then you shouldn’t remain silent and be offended. And even more so, express to your husband everything that is boiling in your soul. It is better to tell your mother-in-law in a gentle form that you are not satisfied with this state of affairs and that it would be nice if you were not treated in this manner.

Don’t be afraid to get into an argument; many women are afraid that their husband will leave them if she quarrels with his mother. He won't quit. Perhaps he himself is not against his beloved women sorting out their relationships with each other and learning to get along with each other.

Do not forget also that your mother-in-law is, first of all, a woman, as a rule, no longer young and lonely, who loves care and attention. Don’t be stingy once again with a compliment or a present for your husband’s mother and she will thank you in kind. Invite someone or send a bouquet of flowers for no reason - these simple actions will significantly improve your relationship and your spouse will be pleased. You will literally grow in his eyes, he will become proud of you and will tell his friends how wonderful his wife is.

www.garmoniazhizni.com

Relationships with the spouse's parents. How to improve your relationship with your husband

Relationships with spouse's parents

An important part of married life is the relationship with the spouse's parents. If it so happens that your husband’s parents did not accept you initially or you ruined your relationship with them, I will give you some recommendations on how to improve everything.

The key to success in relationships with your spouse’s parents is the ability to create the image of the woman they would like to see next to their son. If you live separately, then in order to improve your relationship, you can allow yourself to be in this image only at a time when your husband’s parents are next to you. If you live with your spouse’s parents, you will have to literally become the woman they would like to see next to their son.

To establish relationships with your parents, you will need to create an image of a beautiful woman, in their understanding, for this you will have to control yourself in their presence in the following directions:

– what image do you create of your wife in the eyes of your spouse’s parents;

– how do you communicate with your husband;

– how you communicate with your children;

– how you communicate with your spouse’s parents.

Communication with your husband and your image of a wife in the eyes of your spouse’s parents. I'll start with the image. Know that the husband's parents are very irritated by three features in the manners of their son's wife: the manner of dressing too flashily, excessively bright makeup and frivolous behavior in the presence of parents.

If you don’t give up the habit of going to your spouse’s parents in miniskirts and 12-centimeter stilettos, and your makeup is done to the envy of Hollywood stars, it’s unlikely that you will be able to earn their favor.

In general, if you think that you should always look this way, then I strongly recommend that you reconsider your position. Intellect is given to man for the purpose of creating images adequate to the surrounding environment. Wise woman should not wear the same image when visiting, at home and at work. This is why most thirty-year-old young women outperform 16–17-year-olds by a wide margin summer girls, because, unlike them, they have learned to change themselves according to the situation.

Regarding frivolous behavior, first of all, pay attention to not making rash statements in the presence of parents: do not speak disrespectfully about their son, do not ask your husband for anything, do not discuss your girlfriends and friends. Never pit yourself against your spouse’s parents, do not force your husband in the form of an ultimatum to make a choice between you and his parents.

Keep in mind that raising children is not a good topic to discuss with your in-laws. Considering that you and they are representatives of different generations, your views on raising children may differ greatly from their views, and since children, both for parents and grandparents, are sacred, they will argue with you in case of disagreement the whole reel. It is much better to tell your husband’s parents about the achievements of your beloved children, their interesting statements and other funny situations.

How do you communicate with your children? When your spouse's parents are present, pay more attention to your children than usual. Keep in mind that your husband's parents may be biased towards you and demand from you what they would not demand, for example, from their daughter. There is no need to be offended by such an unfair approach; remember that we are all human and our perception of reality is subjective. Your task is not to “build” your parents by pointing out to them that they are wrong, but to establish relationships with them.

The image of you as the mother of their son's children is the most important component of how your spouse's parents will perceive you. To create the right image of a wife and mother, imagine what kind of woman you would like to see next to your son and behave as this woman would behave.

Communication with the spouse's parents. In principle, we briefly looked at what you can communicate about with your husband’s parents. If, nevertheless, you have a strained relationship, I will give you some recommendations on how to improve them.

Relationships with parents, as well as relationships with your husband, can be influenced by old grievances. Given the differences in the nature of relationships, to improve relations with parents it is necessary to use slightly different methods than to improve relations with a husband.

Old grievances can shape both you and your spouse’s parents into a negative attitude towards each other. This can lead to the fact that you may be mutually unfavorable.

Even when you consciously try to establish contact with your spouse’s parents, internally you may not be in a friendly mood at all, for example, being wary or outwardly trying to demonstrate a good disposition, internally you will not be able to create such a disposition.

Other people feel when a person, while communicating with them outwardly in a friendly manner, internally experiences discomfort in their presence or shows distrust towards them. Therefore, it is impossible to build trusting relationships without relieving internal grievances and discomfort.

Let's delve a little deeper into the theory. People, from a certain point of view, can be considered as highly developed animals. We all see and feel much more than might seem at first glance. If you are internally disposed toward a person in an unfavorable manner, even if you act friendly on the outside, he will sense your negative attitude.

What will give you away is another question, maybe facial expressions or gestures, maybe the smell of pheromones emanating from you, so a predator, meeting another animal on a forest path, does not ask the question: who is bigger and stronger - himself or the individual he meets, he just feels the smell of the enemy and if there is fear in this smell, it means they are a victim, if not, they are equal and it is better to disperse.

Likewise, we feel much more than it might seem at first glance, and our internal attitude towards another person will definitely be read by him at a deep subconscious level, therefore, no matter how explicitly you behave towards your interlocutor, a true deep attitude will definitely impose stamp on your relationship.

To cope with this problem, we use a simple technique that helps establish contact between unfriendly interlocutors. Before starting a conversation, imagine that you are giving your interlocutor something valuable to him. For example, give your mother-in-law a big beautiful bouquet flowers or give your father-in-law an electric drill or something else valuable to him. Mentally imagine how you do this sincerely, imagine how the person rejoices at your gift, and you feel the joy of doing good. This visualization helps you find a good mood, and you and your communication partners will feel it. As soon as mental contact is established, you will feel how everything around has changed.

Of course, it is not easy to immediately master this technique from a book and get results; this is not a task for a book, but for a practical course, but for lack of anything better, practice persistently and you will definitely succeed. Mentally give material benefits, honors and respect to each individual or both parents of your spouse at once, do this before or when meeting them. Experience joy in your mental actions and vividly imagine the positive emotional reaction of those for whom you do it.

After establishing internal contact, you can begin a conversation with your parents, but keep in mind that your communication began even before you said the first word. The word “communication” itself speaks for itself; by making a mental gift, you have established contact, created something in common with these people emotionally and astrally, and now that you have this in common, you can begin communication.

And vice versa, until you have mental contact with other people, all you can do with them is just a business conversation, communication will not work. That is why special conditions are created for communication: a candlelit dinner, a trip to a picnic - all these are ways to help create mental contact, beyond which real live communication begins, otherwise we have only a business conversation, or formal polite conversation aimed at artificially maintaining contact.

When you start communicating with your parents, remember that these people are older than you and internally they expect certain behavior from you. If you go beyond their expectations, you will receive negative points. When the totality of perception of you as a person accumulates too many negative points, quantity will turn into quality and persistent hostility will arise. Therefore, in order not to take risks, follow the principle: “always think what you are talking about, but don’t always say what you are thinking about,” and also, observe a few simple rules.

– Listen more than you speak.

– Support the topics started by your spouse’s parents and do not turn the conversation to something that interests you.

– Don’t argue or question what your husband’s parents say.

– Be restrained and internally ready to listen to edifications addressed to you without reacting to them emotionally.

You will tell your husband everything that is fundamentally important to you later, when you are left alone, as popular wisdom says, “the night cuckoo will snack on the day.” Just don’t rush into the attack “with your saber drawn” and try to gain the upper hand in a dispute with your spouse’s parents, citing the fact that the issue is vitally important to you, and you cannot retreat under any circumstances.

Keep in mind that by starting an argument, you attract increased attention to the problem being discussed, but if you swallow what is said quietly without obvious resistance, everyone will calm down and will not attach such importance to this issue as if you began to object. This is called “failing” the problem, that is, you don’t seem to mind, but you also don’t agree, so you nod, remain silent and move on. Just don’t change the conversation yourself from a topic you don’t want, otherwise you’ll give yourself away.

If you live with your spouse's parents and it is especially difficult for you to establish relationships with them, it would be wise to take all possible measures to start living separately. If you have carefully read this book, then you know how to properly get what you want from your husband, but remember that you should not do this in the presence of your parents. In addition, moving away will not relieve you of the need to improve relationships, therefore, when deciding the issue of your own housing, do not forget to maintain complimentary relations with your spouse’s parents.

Next chapter >

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Relationships with the husband's or wife's parents

Putting on wedding rings and by signing in the registry office, you not only become husband and wife, but also son-in-law and daughter-in-law. You unwittingly become part of a family that was foreign to you just yesterday.

Laws, orders and traditions new family may be fundamentally different from your own. Many of them may seem strange and even wild to you. It’s up to you to decide whether to accept or not accept their traditions, but one fact remains: if communication with other relatives can be minimized, then it will not be possible to avoid communication with your parents.

One way or another, your spouse’s parents are always nearby and how your relationship develops can affect your family life. Before getting married, we get to know the parents of our other half and are already aware in advance about what kind of relationships are inside, what views on the family.

This point is very important and worth paying attention to. If in the family young man If the father dominates, and the mother is a housewife and spends all her time cleaning and cooking, then with a 95% probability the future husband will adjust the family structure according to this model. It is impossible to re-educate or change his views, and an attempt to go “against the wind” will lead to conflicts and the end of the relationship.

“If you want to know what your wife will be like, look at her mother,” says a popular saying, and there is great wisdom in this. Children unwittingly copy the behavior of their parents. If in a family the father drinks and raises his hand against his mother, then there are very high chances that the grown-up son will act in the same way. This does not mean that you should leave the man you love if there is love and respect between you. It’s just that when you get married, you should be prepared for such a scenario.

Relationships with your spouse’s parents do not always go smoothly. The eternal conflict “fathers and sons” takes on a more intense character. After all, what is forgiven for one’s own child (a parent will always find an excuse for a son or daughter) is already unforgivable for a son-in-law or daughter-in-law. Conflicts with parents immediately lead to conflicts between spouses. So how can you avoid or minimize negativity in your relationship?

• A young family must live separately. Couples who live together with their parents are more susceptible to influence and, according to statistics, are more likely to divorce in the early years life together.
• Respect your spouse's parents. Nobody forces you to love your new mom and dad, but you simply must respect them if you respect your spouse. Whether he likes it or not, they are his (her) parents and, of course, very dear to him.
• Let them be who they are. We are all different, but we want to be accepted with all our strengths and weaknesses. We cannot change others, but we can change our attitude towards them.
• Finally, if tensions in relations escalate and gradually transform into war, then look for more global ways out of the situation.

A family psychologist can provide good help. It will help you analyze the situation, find the root of the conflict and a possible solution to the problem.

www.silavolya.ru

Poor relationship with husband's parents

Good afternoon I've been married for 4 years. I have a wonderful husband whom I love very much. We have two kids. Daughter 3 years old and son 1.7 years old. He is the only son and therefore we live with his parents. I have an always dissatisfied mother-in-law, who very often insults me and my children and her grandchildren. But during my entire marriage, I never heard the words “my grandchildren” from her. From morning until late evening, she is constantly dissatisfied with something and screams. She directly tells us to get out of the house because... she has no peace from my children, who litter everywhere like pigs because I don’t raise them, and that’s why she beats them and raises them. She says she will make people out of them. It is impossible to stay in the house. My husband is always at work, when he comes they try to restrain themselves, but they will say something. My husband demands that I completely submit to them. I don't tell him anything anymore. But the situation in the house is completely unbearable. The daughter goes to the garden, but the son has to endure her screams. I went back to work and have been working as a marketer in a large company for 4 months now. To my surprise, my father-in-law also joined her and began to constantly humiliate and insult me. For example, I was 15 minutes late. from work, I explained why, but he says that it’s all a lie, the bus runs every 5 minutes, although the bus runs every half hour. My children got sick when we were with my parents, diagnosed with a rotavirus infection, they said it was from kindergarten, he said that my parents deliberately poisoned them or why didn’t they bring milk, specifically so that I wouldn’t drink. So that I don’t do everything badly, they think that I do everything to their detriment. I am cleaning our hefty house of 380 sq.m. We buy groceries. On weekends I cook and clean. When I'm at home I look after the children exclusively. I can’t understand why they are unhappy, my father-in-law gets a lot of money from renting warehouse space and uses it himself, my mother-in-law receives a pension that she doesn’t even spend, my father-in-law dresses her, buys gold, new suits every month. They themselves lived separately from their parents, according to their stories, they walked and had fun. They named the children themselves, but my father-in-law names my children and says that if you give birth to 2 more, I will name them too. My mother-in-law likes to watch TV outside our bedroom door until the morning, I have repeatedly hinted to her to go to bed early. For my part, I try to do everything, expensive gifts for all holidays, buy something for the house with my salary, which doesn’t suit them because they have everything that millions simply dream of? My husband thinks that I should endure everything because these are his parents. My mother-in-law endured her husband’s betrayal for 10 years and that’s probably why she’s so angry at the whole world, but how can I explain my father-in-law’s attitude towards me? Help me please!

www.all-psy.com

Problem in relationship with husband's parents

Question to a psychologist Asked by: Irina Hello, my husband and I are the same age, we are 31 years old, we have been living together for 10 years, our daughter is 5 years old. We live in the village, my husband has a small business, he organized it for me (they opened a hairdressing salon). Everything seems to be fine and smooth, but then the following situation turns out: I find out that my husband had a big fight with his parents, and the cause of the discord is me. It turns out all these years our life together, they openly spoke unflatteringly about me to him, said all sorts of nasty things, but he hid it all from me and kept it to himself (I guessed that they were not in good standing, and after some attempts to improve relations, I tried to keep it with There was a distance in communication with them, although she encouraged my daughter to be positive in relation to her grandparents, always congratulated her on the holidays, and never said a bad word to them). My husband is very worried, he told me everything, I’m perplexed, it turns out that he kept it to himself all these years, was torn between me and them, says that he tried to convince them, but to no avail. I’m very upset, because I didn’t do anything bad to them, and in fact I’m a good person. I want to talk to them personally and sort things out, but I’m afraid that it will be worse, I don’t know what to do? I would like to add that my husband already had a marriage (short-lived) before me, and their opinion of their ex-daughter-in-law is even worse. Answers from psychologists Psychologist Tomsk Was on the site: Today Replies on the site: 832 Conducts trainings: 2 Publications: 9 25.01.2013 | 496

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❶ How to improve relationships with your husband’s parents:: JustLady.ru

The first and not too difficult situation in which young wives often find themselves is that your husband’s parents do not like you a little, although outwardly this manifests itself only in small things and quite rarely. Naturally, this situation also needs to be corrected, but in this case you should act tactfully and try not to aggravate the situation.

If the dislike of your father-in-law and mother-in-law is expressed in some, in your opinion, ambiguous compliments addressed to you - for example, that today you washed the dishes much cleaner and faster than yesterday, then it makes sense to simply not take such speeches to heart. Try to understand his mom or dad - before, their son belonged only to them, but now he has a wife, whom they just need to get used to.

In addition, your husband’s parents, and especially his mother, are simply jealous of you, which is also very understandable. Most likely, time will help you resolve this situation - your new relatives will eventually develop warm feelings towards you and begin to treat you like their own daughter.

Darina Kataeva

My husband says you could treat his mom better.

Discuss the problem with your husband in a calm environment. At the same time, be prepared to make concessions on some issues. Make an effort. If it is important for a man good attitude with mom, that's a good sign. After all, he will have the same attitude towards you. Therefore, think together about what could be done and what you are really ready to change.

The husband compares his wife's actions with his mother.

Every woman hates being compared to someone who is better than her. If something like this is happening in your family, don’t hesitate! Be sure to talk to your husband and tell him what is bothering you. Don't be shy about talking openly about your feelings. A wise move on your part is to have closer contact with your parents. This way you will understand what a man likes, what lifestyle and diet he is used to. As a result, you will even exceed his expectations!

It seems to you that his parents are more important to him than you.

The problem may not be in the relationship with your parents, but in the lack of attention towards you. Therefore, choose the right moment to talk and be sure to tell them what is bothering you. A man may not even be aware of the problem at the moment you oppress yourself with it.

The best ways to please your husband's parents:

- show respect;

- express gratitude;

- do not forget about the norms of behavior and politeness;

- be pleasant in communication, positive and don’t forget to smile;

- take an interest in their life, show concern;

- try to become a good listener and;

- just relax and be yourself!

Your job is to show who the main person is for you! At the same time, strive for balance, develop gratitude to your relatives for the things you value and love. This will make it easier for you to show respect and build good relationships with your spouse's parents.

1 March 2014, 18:26