We have brought you a bride. We brought you a bride. Matchmaking in a modern way.

Oh, you are guests, gentlemen,
Where are you from and where?
And what would it be for?
Are you at the parade today?
What are you, guests, bargaining with?
And why are you coming here?
Bow to you, honest people.
What kind of wind carried you?
You have business with us
Or are you wandering around with nothing to do?
Maybe you want to steal something?
Isn't it my girlfriend?
Don't hope and don't wait,
I won't let you go to her
- after all, she’s a beautiful maiden,
A jack of all trades.
Cooks, sews and embroiders,
And he knows about everything in the world.
Young, slim, beautiful,
Whiteface is a wonder to everyone.
But in order to win her hand,
You need to work hard.
You, groom, in front of all the people
Show me what you're good for.

Witness:

What are you doing, dear friend?
Do you think badly of us?!
There is a reason to trade
Unspecified product.
There is a bride in the mansion,
It's impossible to take your eyes off.
During the day the light of God is eclipsed,
At night it illuminates the earth.
Bless us
Let's go now.

Witness:

Are you the groom?
Are you a witness?
This means you are responsible for everything.
Must help a friend
Answer questions.
Give us an answer soon:
For what reason
Have you decided to get married?
Accuracy of the eye, sleight of hand
They might come in handy here.

There is a large target hanging on the wall, each field of which represents the reason for marriage:

10 - at the call of the heart
9 - for love
8 - by calculation
7 - by maternal command
6 - according to the instructions of the party
5- I will recommend to friends
4 - as needed
3 - out of curiosity
2 - stupidly
1 - "the devil got me wrong!"
0 - "milk" - attempt - no attempt.

The groom must demonstrate his accuracy and hit 10 or 9. For each miss, the groom pays a ransom.

Witness:

Why are you, groom, not cheerful?
Did you hang your head?
And now your second contribution
Put it on the tray.

Well, now the question is this.
Take your time, groom, wait:
Remember where you met your bride,
What are you wearing, as you notice?

What are you wearing, as you notice?

The next question is,
It's more complicated than the other one:
What's your bride's name?
Tell me about it
write her name.

The groom must write out the bride's full name in coins. Completing the task is accompanied by jokes like: “Write bigger! Don’t spare money.”

Witness:

You paid money generously
But he didn’t talk about love.
So that no one doubts
Confess your love.
Shout loudly, without melting:
"____________(bride's name), I love you!"

Bridesmaids:

We are bridesmaids
Pour us a mug.
Well, if they were softer,
To not be judged strictly,
They released him alive
Treat us to Coca-Cola.

How many days were you together?
Have you looked into the eyes of the bride?
Now tell us
Tell us the color of those eyes.

Lips are red, you know them
You'll definitely guess -
Those who are brides.
You won't be able to leave your place otherwise.
If you make a mistake, so be it,
You will pay us money.

The groom is presented with a poster with numerous lip prints, both female and male. The young man must recognize the lips of his betrothed among them. Under each lip print you can write a certain amount - the ransom that the groom will have to pay in case of an incorrect answer.

Witness:

Announcement ahead:
Tear off the little one,
Read the bottom letter
And call the bride.

There is a notice on the wall that says “Call me, darling!” The lower part of the ad is cut into numerous strips. There is only one letter written on each strip. The groom must tear off the strips one by one and loudly call the bride with such affectionate words that begin with the written letters. If the next letter causes difficulty for the groom, he can turn to his faithful friends for help. If they cannot come up with a kind word, then the groom pays a ransom. The test continues until all strips are torn off.

Bridesmaids to groom:

Groom, do you need a bride?
Pay us in full
For the girl's beauty,
For the bride's braid.
That's the point, my dear:
If only she had a braid,
They'd rip you off even more,
They wouldn’t have given it away at all!

How old is our __________?
Give us so much candy.

For the bride's smile
Give us a chocolate bar.
For the bride's face
Give me a green piece of paper.
For beautiful legs
Give each friend three rubles.
For thin eyebrows -
A bunch of carrots.
And for the hair of the Russians
Give us some beads.
For _________________ clear eyes
Give me beautiful songs.

Bridesmaids to groomsmen:

Our ears are on top

Our ears are on top of our heads,
We've been waiting for an hour
Sing some ditties for us guys
We'll let you through then.

Witness:

You eat well, boy.
But are you dancing okay?
You make us dance more merrily
"Dance of the Little Geese!"
To get the bride-to-be,
You must jump like a goose.
Yes, ask your friends
So that we can go together with you.

The groom, together with his friends, must perform the “Dance of the Little Swans” to his own accompaniment.

Witness:

Shout to the whole world,
That you love the bride most of all.
For noise in a public place
Pay a fine of thousands (or rubles) of _________.

Now for the sake of order
Guess the riddle, groom:
“Once upon a time, in the cold winter, you went to your mother-in-law,
how old is she?"
And now in an instant:
"When is your mother-in-law's birthday?"

Three glasses in front of you:
With sweet, salty and bitter water.
Which one will you choose for yourself?
This is your destiny.

Here's another glass of water:
Put down the gold one.
As water spills over the edge,
So happiness will smile on you.

You will go through a lot of tests,
But I won’t give you my bride.
So that it hisses, rings, rustles,
Fill us three glasses.

The girls bring out a tray with three empty glasses, which the groom must fill with money and champagne.

Witness:

Here you see this basin.
Put it in now
Neither kid nor lamb,
Not a skinny pig.
Put it for the bride
What does she need for her soul?

The groom is required to guess what the witness is talking about. It will be difficult to guess on your own, so the bridesmaids, in one way or another, should lead the groom to the idea that the most precious thing for the bride is himself. When the groom understands this, he should get into the basin. Finally, the groom is allowed to the door of the room, from under which several ribbons stick out. Ribbons are tied to the fingers of the women sitting outside the door, including the bride, several friends and, for added laughter, an old lady.

Bridesmaids:

Pull one ribbon -
Pull out your betrothed.
If you pull out the wrong one,
We are paid in rubles.
Or marry the one
What will you pull behind you?

The groom pulls any ribbon of his choice. If he makes a mistake and draws the wrong bride, then he is asked to pay a ransom or marry the one he chose. The test continues until the groom pulls the bride's ribbon.

Witness:

Yes, now she is yours!
Only the shoes are mine.
Or do you give a ransom,
Or you take your boss to the registry office!

Several shoe boxes are brought out to the groom. Only one of them contains the bride's shoe, the rest contain torn slippers, children's galoshes, bath slippers, felt boots and similar shoe nonsense. For each incorrectly guessed box, the groom pays a ransom. The test continues until the groom finds the bride's shoe.

Witness:

Passed the test.
You've reached the bride.
And that's why now
You take the bride to the registry office!

Today you are like a princess
Graceful and light.
There is no more beautiful bride
There is no happier groom!

Be wise in family life
Keep it warm in the hearth.
Be nice and not capricious,
And don’t scold your spouse.

Well, he got you for it
He will carry it in his arms,
Buy flowers, gifts
And idolize for the rest of your life!

You are a beautiful bride
And the groom is a match for you.
You are now together forever,
You don't need love.

Wedding is a memorable date,
Congratulations on this day.
Once we met,
Together you are now, the two of you.

Be happy, bride
And today and always.
Carry love together
Save for years!

Congratulations to the wonderful and most beautiful bride. I wish from the bottom of my heart that you are happy in your marriage and deeply loved, that your husband carries you in his arms and makes your dreams come true, that your family is strong and prosperous, that the fire in your hearth never subsides.

Today there is no place for sadness,
The soul is beautiful and pure,
Beautiful bride now
And tomorrow you will already be a wife.

Let this day be remembered for a long time,
Let the wedding be once and for all.
We wish women great happiness,
So that you never lose heart.

So that your eyes shine like today,
So that the house is always a full cup.
And, of course, children,
That they will be more beautiful than everyone else in the world.

We wish you, dear,
Always live in peace as in paradise.
So that the most common phrase in the house
It was “How Much I Love”!

Let the groom please, and often.
To always protect
And carried in his arms, out of passion
I just didn’t let him pass!

Always have enough health
For the house, for the husband, for yourself.
So that the milk does not run away,
There was harmony in the family!

You are so beautiful today
Like the first spring flower.
May your destiny be happy
So that no one can interfere with this.

Let sorrows pass you by,
And the smile doesn’t leave your face.
Let the soul not know doubts,
And let love know no end.

Congratulations on your wedding,
Together we wish you
So that the choice is successful,
So that my husband always loves,
For many, many years
The light of happiness warmed you,
So that the house is not without guests,
There were a lot of children
And so that there is enough space for everyone.
Well, good luck to you, bride!

Today, bride, is your fabulous day.
You stand all in white, like an angel.
The groom, although excited, is joyful, brave,
After all, the day has come for your wedding.

Now you are a bride, and soon a wife
You will be proud to call your name forever.
And the joys in life will follow
Under the light of the family sun.

We wish you children and a strong family,
So that the angels give happiness.
Let your home keep comfort and prosperity.
May we love each other forever!

You are so beautiful and tender today,
Joy and spring rejoice in my soul!
Because today you become a wife,
May your man be the best!

Happiness to you and sincere love,
A real, friendly and big family,
Fulfillment of desires and luck,
Goodness, prosperity, achievement of goals!

That's it, you got married.
How fitting your outfit is!
And my mother cries with happiness,
And your eyes are burning!

Be loved, be happy,
Be an exemplary wife.
Like today, be beautiful
After all, now your prince is with you!

Let your husband never take his eyes off you,
May he think about my dear every day and hour.
For the light of only your eyes without hesitation
Friends, striptease, beer sent to the bathhouse!
May you give birth to a minx, a prankster,
And let your husband fly home as if it were a holiday!
Always be a beauty, like from a salon.
Once you open your wallet, you can count millions!
Beautiful love to you two forever,
So that the relatives are not touched by evil misfortune,
Let fate be successful and bright!

A few notes:
1. The story is absolutely real.
2. I do not set myself the goal of humiliating or insulting anyone. Just a sketch from life.

So.
A couple of days ago I was sitting at home, not bothering anyone, reading LJ, drinking tea. And then I received a call from my old friend Sanya, with whom we have not seen for more than 10 years, but we periodically call each other. Once upon a time, our ships stood side by side in the Practical Harbor of Odessa for quite a long time, and we met there.
- Hello! My wife and I are passing through here, let’s meet!
- No problem, come in!
- Good, wait in a couple of hours! We're bringing you a surprise!
“I hope it’s not a cat,” I answer. They have fur, a smell, and I don’t know how to cook them... And besides, I already have a pet, and it’s a rat, and somehow they’re not very friendly with cats!
- No, not a cat, you’ll like it!

I rush to the refrigerator and start inventing dinner. A couple of hours later the doorbell rings.
I open it and there are three people standing: Sanya and Polina, his wife, and someone else in the background.
- Well, come in, dear guests!
“We have brought you a bride,” Sanya “delighted” me from the door.
And he comes into the apartment after him... No, not like that. A bun rolls up, about 160 centimeters tall, about 100 kilograms, carefully packed in a jacket, and the jacket is clearly too small for him. There are several sizes.
I begin to examine - the floor of this bun is clearly feminine, there is a decent amount of plaster and other cosmetics applied (the Indians with their war paint nervously smoke on the sidelines), well, to top it all off - all this is doused on top with at least a glass of some kind of non-fragrant liquid.
Do you know how you can ruin the most expensive perfume? That's right - pour the entire bottle on yourself in one sitting!
“Here,” says Polina, “please meet me!” This is Sofochka! (some twenty-five cousin best friend Polina). She was just bored alone and we took her on a trip with us. “Fuuuh” - I think. Well, if she was just bored, that means it’s not all that bad. Let's sit and run away. Now, if they had imported it on purpose, then yes, there would have been sadness and melancholy...

He showed the guests around, showed them the apartment, introduced them to the pet, sat them down at the table, and so as not to go empty-handed, they bought a couple of “irons” (a bottle with a handle, a capacity of 1.75 liters) of vodka on the way.
We sit, chat, not forgetting to periodically say toasts and have a snack
I look at the “nevasta” and understand - I’m good. Such a big one. Full, damn, an unbearable 100-odd kilograms, which is almost 2 times more than my own weight...

Firstly, this is absolutely not my type of woman (I don’t like “koloboks”), and secondly, the Surzhik language this madame spoke made me persistently want to go and throw up. But I have guests, after all. I’m sitting, so I’m patient, smiling and pretending that everything is in order.

While we were having a nice table conversation, “nevasta” did not stop chewing, constantly urging Sanya and me on with the phrases “Why isn’t it poured?”, “Can’t you see the edges?” and the like.
So that it is clear that in my understanding, a Woman is: with a capital “W”, taking care of herself, not using foul language unnecessarily, neat, without any bias on the topic of anointing her body with 10,500 layers of cosmetics and dousing herself with perfume. But when I looked at this absolutely spherical body, gorging itself on food and alcohol at a niv*bic pace, telling greasy jokes, seasoning it all with an unkind lustful look in my direction, I constantly caught myself thinking that a) I won’t drink that much, even if this would be my last copulation in my life and b) if a Neanderthal was invited to this dinner, I would be much happier with him than with the one that was now sitting in my kitchen.

We sat for a couple of hours, so we chatted, exchanged news, decided on half of one “iron” and I saw that my friend and his wife were about to leave.
- What about Sofochka? - I ask.
“Your bride is yours to dance with,” Polina tells me. “We’ll come to your place for coffee in the morning and pick it up.” And don’t contradict! dead.gif

Something crunched in my head. “This is not good,” I thought.
While I was seeing off the guests, the “newsta” was sitting in the kitchen and was rapidly slurping and gurgling something.
Having closed the door, I return to the kitchen and observe the oil painting - “nevasta” from the throat of the “iron” drowns out the vodka. Something flashed outside the window. “This is a scribe,” I thought.
- So what? “Nevasta asked, impatiently sipping vodka from her throat. “Are we going to fuck?”
- But you know, it’s kind of awkward for me, we’ve only recently known each other, let’s just talk? - I tried to “slow down”.
- No, that’s not the point, why the hell was I shaking in the car? I was able to communicate in Odessa as well. In short, you get out of here, and I’ll go, wash my hands and wait for you in the hall! - she objected. yad.gif

With these words, she rose from her seat and rolled towards the bathroom. Literally a few minutes later I heard the crunch of the sofa in the living room, it was as if an elephant had climbed onto it.
Leisurely, having cleared the table, I started washing the dishes, wiping the plates and polishing the cutlery. And then - the sound...
Have you ever started a tractor under your window? So - the tractor engine is fine dust compared to the sound that shook the walls of the apartment. Sofochka was snoring... And thank the Almighty - “nevasta” snorted to sleep without undressing, because my heart could not have withstood this.

Having finished cleaning the kitchen, I tiptoed into the bedroom, locking the door from the inside just in case. All night the walls shook from snoring and it seemed like plaster was falling down somewhere. Then another one was added to these sounds - metallic. My pet, whose cage stands on the coffee table in the living room, clearly intended to break out of captivity, although this had not been noticed before.
Again, on tiptoe, so as not to wake up the body, I made my way into the hall and moved the cage with the pet to my bedroom. On the rat’s face was written the question “Well, why the hell should we live like this?”

I don’t think it’s worth saying that I had a sleepless night.
In the morning, when Sanya and Polina arrived and tried to ask what and how, seeing my reddened eyes, I answered honestly that the night passed without sleep. “Navesta” was silent and pushed for coffee and gingerbread; it seemed as if she had not been fed for at least a week.

The whole sofa was dirty foundation and mascara, in addition - completely saturated with perfume... faceoff.gif
After seeing the guests off, I sat down opposite the cage with the pet and read the silent request in the same little rat eyes - “Dad! Maybe he should go to hell with such guests, huh?”

Finally.

Ladies, watch yourselves! I beg you very much!

Matchmaking on the part of the groom is a serious and very responsible matter. Previously, this tradition was followed only in villages and villages. Today, the ritual of matchmaking in full force conquers even the capital. How to prepare for the event? What should you tell matchmakers, and what should you keep silent about? These aspects need to be thought through in advance.

Old Russian customs

The matchmaking of the bride by the groom in Rus' took place in a special way. Everything was carefully thought out, the date was planned, and the props were collected. If there was a matchmaker in a city or village, then all responsibilities fell on her shoulders. When there was no one in the area, a blood relative was chosen for the honorary role. A friendly and noisy crowd came to the house of the bride's parents, and the mandatory condition was the presence of the groom's relatives among all the people.

The parents gave an elderly unmarried girl down the aisle immediately after the first visit to the matchmakers. But if the girl was pretty, knew how to sew and cook, and was flexible, the matchmakers had to visit her 3-4 times.

Among other customs of the ancient mode, the most popular were the following:

• If the decision was made to marry off their daughter, the bride's parents would bring pies and a loaf of bread to the groom's doorstep.
• It was not customary to carry out important matters, especially to go to the bride, on Friday and Wednesday, as well as on the 13th of each month.
• What the groom said at the matchmaking ceremony was kept secret, so each family had its own prepared phrases.
• The matchmakers had to leave the house in the evening, when the day was setting, and they had to go to the bride’s house in absolute silence.
• Conspiracy, discussions and negotiations regarding marriage were always conducted only while standing. It was allowed to sit down after the girl gave her consent.
• In order not to jinx it, intentions to marry a girl or a young man were always kept strictly secret.

Matchmaking in a modern way

Today, the matchmaking scenario on the part of the groom has been somewhat simplified. Parents on both sides discuss the date in advance and often write a speech together. Basically, there are no strict rules for conducting this ritual in modern world no, however, it is better to take into account some subtleties:

1. It is customary for the groom to come to the matchmaking ceremony with two bouquets: one for his beloved, the other for her mother.
2. The father is also presented with a small souvenir. For example, in Rus', the priest was always given a scrap for sewing a shirt. Today, such a thing can be bought ready-made.
3. It is customary for the groom to wear a formal suit and shirt when visiting, although you can do without a tie. Shorts, flip flops and a T-shirt would be inappropriate in this case.
4. Right from the door, matchmakers must indicate the purpose of their visit and describe all the advantages of the person they are matchmaking. Of course, without forgetting to slightly embellish the reality.

If matchmaking is taking place on the part of the groom, it is better to think in advance what to say to the matchmakers, otherwise at the crucial moment the relatives will simply be confused. The words can be written in prose or poetry, for example:

• You've got a brave man!

It tastes quite good to you.

Dressed in fashion - a metropolitan look,

There is a car and a corner of the house.

The coins are clinking - not the poor one!

And his temper is gentle - he is not harmful.

How's it going with your beauty?

Perhaps she’s already ready for a family?

• The earth is full of rumors,

There is only one girl here:

Young, slim, beautiful.

Show me what kind of diva you are?

We have a groom to match:

Well done - no matter what.

We offer in one thread,

Their ways to unite.

• Human rumor brought us to your house,

There is one beautiful girl here.

We have a merchant for your goods -

Nice, kind fellow.

And if our thoughts are similar,

Let's put off work for later,

To discuss the wedding now

And to open the path to happiness slightly for the young.

Scenario of the ceremony

Of course, the event itself is a very serious and responsible matter. And so that the guests don’t get bored, and to relieve the tension themselves, the groom can come up with a cool scenario for matchmaking. Add humorous sayings and proverbs to ordinary phrases, dress in traditional outfits, or prepare pleasant surprises and competitions. Then, for sure, both you and the young people will have many positive impressions of this memorable day, and the celebration itself will be remembered for a long time.

The groom’s matchmaking script in verse looks very beautiful and, most importantly, unusual. If your family has a creative relative, then writing a few quatrains will not be a problem for him. And if you don’t find one, we suggest using our option:

Matchmaker:

Because of the forest, because of the mountains,

Came out... No, not Chernomor!

It was me and the matchmaker who rushed

To visit you at full speed.

Matchmaker:

The truth is that it's our business

Can't stand any delay.

We want to know the answer

Here, now, without delay.

(The owners of the house are interested in what urgent matter brought honorable guests to their house and invite them to enter.)

Matchmaker:

We have an excellent merchant.

He will be a decent father.

He will be a good husband

His character is unpretentious!

(They show a photograph; to make the situation comical, you can process it in advance in Photoshop.)

Matchmaker:

And a Versace shirt

He is Alain Delon, no less!

It smells like a rose in May,

Well, you won’t get bored with him.

Matchmaker:

And the brains are always in place.

Show yourself to the bride!

(The groom appears with flowers and gifts for the bride's parents.)

Groom:

Go around the whole wide world

There are no matchmaking languages!

Everyone told about me

Everything was written down in spirit.

Whose will I be, who am I?

The groom, addressing his beloved's parents:

Since I have nothing more to say,

I won't go further.

I'll ask only one thing -

Bring the bride into the house.

I'll tell her about love

And I'll show you the gift.

(The bride enters the room and the groom presents her with a bouquet of flowers.)

Matchmaker:

Ah, beautiful maiden!

And blush and slim!

Undoubtedly, by the way,

She is a needlewoman.

Groom:

Accept, beauty, gifts,

Collected for the whole family.

Here is a shirt for the priest,

Well, and my mother-in-law has fur.

And for us my love

I bought two rings!

What is more is for me,

A little smaller - for you!

(Takes out a box with rings and shows it to the bride.)

The choice will be difficult

After all, you will leave your home.

But answer me, darling:

Will you become my wife?

A girl can pretend to be deep in thought in order to heat up the situation a little. But then he answers with a smile: “Yes!” The guests clap, and the groom puts a ring on his beloved’s finger.